life is funny that way.

well this is one entry that i never expected to make, i can assure you of that. in my wildest dreams i never thought it would be april 24 of my senior year of college and i wouldn't have my plan, my ducks in a row. i really do apologize to those of you who have had to listen to my incesant ranting over the last few weeks about how bleak my future looks.

well you'll be glad to know that i've turned a corner. i'm by no means "footloose and fancy free," but I have come to grips with the fact that i don't have to have it all figured out.

for those of you who dismiss my lack of plans as pure laziness, i can assure you that that is not the case. i've already been on 3 job interviews and i currently have 5 job offers in texas on the table. i know what you're thinking, just take the job already! however, i simply can't do it. i have a dream and i'm not going to give up on it without trying. unlike a lot of people, i can't live my life always wondering what could have been. the thought of being 40 years old and realizing "i should have gone after this but now it's just too late" makes my stomach churn.

so here i am left with this crazy ambition to be in the literary business. despite the plunging economy and all allowances being aborted in the very, very near future - i would still rather be poor as a church mouse living in my one room apartment knowing NO ONE, but living life than taking the easy route. absolutely no offense to those of you who are taking business jobs in dallas or houston, but i just know it in my bones that i wasn't meant for that.

in the midst of my angst and despair, i started cleaning out my closet and i came across a box of magazine clippings that i had saved. because i save everything that has ever had just one ounce of meaning for me, i have boxes of this stuff. lo and behold, the first article i came across was a backrounder in W magazine about my beloved candace bushnell. for those of you who don't know who she is, shame on you. but on the offchance that you're not certifiably fanatic with the series known as sex and the city like i am, she was the creator of it all. pretty much, candace bushnell is carrie bradshaw. pretty much, candace bushnell is amazing to me.

in the article she was giving advice about women achieving professional achievement and having a sense of value. but my favorite part of the article was when she talked about her early years before making it big. she told of how she rented a studio in brooklyn for $300 a month only to get evicted, of how she used to stand in the ailes at the grocery store and sob because she couldn't afford to eat, of how she checked her bank account only to find that the balance was $2.58. then one day in her thirties!, it happened. she got the job at the New York Observer and her life changed dramatically. as unbelievably crazy as it is, i think this all sounds wonderful. so much so, that i want to try it out myself.

that being said. NO, i don't know concretely what i'm doing when i graduate yet. but that's okay. God's taking care of me and i have faith in that. he won't abandon me or forsake me and somehow this is all i need to forge ahead.

[sidenote: mamma would skin me alive for mentioning Jesus and sex and the city in the same blog posting, but i'm not going to refrain.]