as i sit here in my living room surrounded by wedding gifts, raffia and ribbon scattered at my feet, party favors to assemble, an endless to do list in my mind, i can't help but notice that the clock is ticking and there are only nine days until i walk down that aisle and say "i do." though i haven't been a "bridezilla," like any girl planning a wedding knows, it's easy to get so wrapped up in the wedding festivities that you forget why you're actually even getting married in the first place. i think there are several reasons that happens. for one thing, there's a lot riding on your wedding day, especially if you're a girl. especially if you're a girl who was raised in conservative, small-town west texas and then you went to baylor! it doesn't get any more southern and expectational than that! now, I'm not the kind of girl who finds total fulfillment in being married, but i'd be lying to you if i said i hadn't thought about this day from a young age. therefore, you add in the expectations of yourself and your life-long anticipation of this event, all the money and time that you and your parents have invested into the event for months on end, and if you're like me, you want everyone to walk away thinking, "wow, i just had the most incredible night!"
earlier today, i was sorting through some boxes and came across a journal that i had been writing in a lot last year. my whole life is collected in the pages of journals, but unfortunately that habit came to a halt with my teaching career. i started reading through the entries when i came across the one from june 12. i was amazed to see how influential God has been in the love story between theron and me. the gift of unconditional love is something i'm eternally grateful for and never in a million years thought i would actually receive. thus, it's not about the wedding...it's about celebrating the love and commitment between two people...as it should be.
June 12, 2010
1:47 p.m.
I'm really, really frustrated right now with EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING. Nothing I seem to do is right. Nothing makes sense. When I finally seem to be on the right path, things fall apart. I'm trying to live so righteously and I'm trying to be aligned with God's will for my life, but sometimes this just feels so hopeless.
When will things be calm again? When can I stop worrying and feel at peace? I know I'm doubting God right now and I know that's not right, but sometimes (like right now) I feel so hopeless and alone. Not hopeless and alone as in suicidally depressed, but hopeless and alone as in I'm tired of always fighting for something, always having to take care of myself. One day, I just want someone to take care of me.
On that note, I feel that I have given online dating (a whole month of it!) a valiant effort and it's just not for me. Perhaps it's not good timing and perhaps I need to work on myself some more. I need to process a lot of things and I need to be able to give the right person a clean slate. However, even this frustrates me. Here I am taking classes and Bible studies, I've seen a counselor, I'm addressing my issues, I've been praying all the time, and I'm trying to love God with all of my heart, soul, mind, and strength - but is there a man out there doing the same thing?
I have these high ideals about true love, honorable character, integrity, letting one woman satisfy you for the rest of your life...do these things even exist? Are they just a figment of my imagination? Horribly frustrating.
3:25 p.m.
As you can probably tell from the previous entry, I was pretty unglued. It got even worse when I was trying to do my certification program and the whole thing kept messing up.
I called my Mom and became hysterical, and remarkably, she made me feel so much better about things. I'm in such a rough place in my life financially, professionally, personally, but Mom always has this way of putting things into perspective for me. She gave me the whole "character building experience" pep talk and reminded me that I could be at home putting MaMaw into the nursing home and getting yelled at for not having a heart. She ended the conversation with something I've been hoping to hear for a long time, "Your time is coming Shannan." After I got off the phone, I went for a walk (per her suggestion) and wouldn't you know that it was a beautiful day outside and the very first song that came up on my iPod was Carrie Underwood's "So Small." What appropriate lyrics.
What you got if you ain't got love
The kind that you just want to give away
It's okay to open up
Go ahead and let the light shine through
I know it's hard on a rainy day
You want to shut the world out
And just be left alone
But don't run out on your faith
Cause sometimes that mountain you've been climbin'
is just a grain of sand
And what you've been out there searchin' for forever
is in your hands
And when you figure out
Love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else
Seem so small
It's so easy to get lost inside
A problem that seems so big at the time
It's like a river that's so wide
It swallows you whole
While you're sittin' 'round thinkin' 'bout what you can't change
And worryin' about all the wrong things
Time's flying by, moving so fast
You better make it count cause you can't get it back
My mama's right. Everything's going to be alright and my time is coming.
Shannan met Theron later that night.
Showing posts with label faith. Show all posts
Showing posts with label faith. Show all posts
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Sunday, March 20, 2011
heaven is for real
not sure if any of you have heard about the recent new york times bestseller "heaven is for real" by todd burpo, but it is WONDERFUL! it is a very quick read (quick read meaning, i actually just sat down and read it cover to cover) and i am so inspired. it is the tale of a four-year-old's journey to heaven and back after he suffered from a burst appendix, which required emergency surgery. his depiction of heaven is almost identical to that of the bible. great read for anyone doubting the after life or awesome confirmation for anyone who adamantly believes in eternity. any books you recommend? the second school lets out, i'm going to read to my heart's content!!!!!!
Thursday, September 16, 2010
here lately...
well guys, if your assumption was that i've been a little busy, you would be CORRECT! i truly hate letting this blog collect dust; more for my sake, than yours. as i've said a million times, blogging is a way for me to keep track of my life and for some reason, it's oddly soothing. believe me, i don't do it because i think you're enthralled with my life. ha.
for those of you who are close to me, you know that this whole teaching gig has basically consumed my life. it seems as though there is a never ending stream of things to grade, mountains of paperwork, individualized plans to create, meetings to attend, and constant pressure from parents. i put a lot of added pressure on myself as well because i keep telling myself that i am responsible for these kids cognitive development, getting them to read, building their educational foundation...imagine that in a setting with english AND spanish speakers in a classroom without walls or doors and kids who are absolutely out of control. i'd be lying if i said that i wasn't really struggling right now with whether public education was the right career path for me.
i am usually always OVERLY optimistic and have ALWAYS seen the bright side of things, but here recently, this has not been the case. i've been praying a lot that God would change my heart toward these obstacles that i face and that i would just be cognizant of the fact that "i can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." this is one of those times in my life where God is just going to have to work through me and I will have to place reliance on his plan and not my own abilities.
in other news, i grrrrrrrreatly miss my manfriend. he is off sailing the seas and workin' hard for the money, but his presence is sorely missed back here on the home front. theron's long absences have made me realize how tough it must be for military wives who have to cope with deployment. though being in a relationship with an oil company man is not for the faint at heart, this one is worth it!
to all of my friends who may stumble across this, i love you dearly and i think of you often! GOD BLESS!
for those of you who are close to me, you know that this whole teaching gig has basically consumed my life. it seems as though there is a never ending stream of things to grade, mountains of paperwork, individualized plans to create, meetings to attend, and constant pressure from parents. i put a lot of added pressure on myself as well because i keep telling myself that i am responsible for these kids cognitive development, getting them to read, building their educational foundation...imagine that in a setting with english AND spanish speakers in a classroom without walls or doors and kids who are absolutely out of control. i'd be lying if i said that i wasn't really struggling right now with whether public education was the right career path for me.
i am usually always OVERLY optimistic and have ALWAYS seen the bright side of things, but here recently, this has not been the case. i've been praying a lot that God would change my heart toward these obstacles that i face and that i would just be cognizant of the fact that "i can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." this is one of those times in my life where God is just going to have to work through me and I will have to place reliance on his plan and not my own abilities.
in other news, i grrrrrrrreatly miss my manfriend. he is off sailing the seas and workin' hard for the money, but his presence is sorely missed back here on the home front. theron's long absences have made me realize how tough it must be for military wives who have to cope with deployment. though being in a relationship with an oil company man is not for the faint at heart, this one is worth it!
to all of my friends who may stumble across this, i love you dearly and i think of you often! GOD BLESS!
Sunday, June 27, 2010
san antonio, you're so good to me...
seriously, i am just so full of gratitude right now. i have the best friends in the world who are just so much fun...i mean, i wish you could know my friends, they're just downright AMAZING! i got hired with the best school district in town and i can't wait to shape the lives of my little bilingual babes. i have the best church, which feels like a second home to me. i have this man in my life who is such a rare breed and i have no idea what i did to capture his attention?! i have a family who is so unbelievably supportive and they have so much faith in me. and i get to live this life in such an EXTRAORDINARY city that i happen to love with all of my heart! WOW!
i want to apologize for those of you reading this post, thinking, "whoa, she is just way too ecstatic, she must be trying really hard to compensate for something." i'll admit i've been guilty of having that attitude towards others myself, but a positive, optimistic outlook is so much better. the other thing to note is that nobody's life is perfect and there is a natural ebb and flow to the way life works. if you go back and read this blog nine months ago or even three months ago, you can infer that i was in a very rough place in my life both personally and professionally...and believe me, that's the understatement of the century...but i always possessed the core belief that that was temporary and that God would bring me through it...and he did, with better results than i could have ever imagined. what i'm getting at is you have to acknowledge Him in both the good and the bad and give thanks when things are good. and right now, THINGS ARE GOOD!!
okay i'll get off that train, i initially started this post to tell you about why i love SA so much and how i had the best day yesterday exploring the city...
the day started with eating hamburgers at chester's, which claims to have the best burgers in town and they aren't lying! then my studly outdoorsman took me to the bexar county gun club!
we got to witness the marion 4-H club's annual fundraiser - "redneck triathlon" where a three-person team competes in skeet, washers, and bowling. after that, we took a nice hill country drive in his big chevy truck rocking out to hayes carll, roy orbison, and CCR. then he took me to check out an old deserted dancehall (cibolo creek country club) where we walked around and talked about the possibility of buying it, fixing it up and running the place ourselves...that would be AWESOME!
while driving along the backroads, i spotted a ginormous fireworks stand and talked my man into stopping for some firecrackers! thank you, theron, for indulging me in my pyro childhood nostalgia...
after that little excursion, we went and toured the new jw marriott hill country resort (which is GORGEOUS and the site of the new PGA tour) and we sat out on the golf course and drank blackberry mojitos (ha well for me)...shiner for the gentleman. if you haven't been yet, i HIGHLY recommend it...it's texas luxury at its finest! i'm pretty proud of myself for coordinating an outfit that can transition from the gun club to a five star hotel!
as if all of that weren't enough, we still went out and watched a full rodeo out at tejas and THEN met friends at copa wine bar at midnight! ah it makes me exhausted just thinking about it, but it was WONDERFUL. i love living life and really experiencing all that it has to offer. very thankful for EVERYTHING!
i want to apologize for those of you reading this post, thinking, "whoa, she is just way too ecstatic, she must be trying really hard to compensate for something." i'll admit i've been guilty of having that attitude towards others myself, but a positive, optimistic outlook is so much better. the other thing to note is that nobody's life is perfect and there is a natural ebb and flow to the way life works. if you go back and read this blog nine months ago or even three months ago, you can infer that i was in a very rough place in my life both personally and professionally...and believe me, that's the understatement of the century...but i always possessed the core belief that that was temporary and that God would bring me through it...and he did, with better results than i could have ever imagined. what i'm getting at is you have to acknowledge Him in both the good and the bad and give thanks when things are good. and right now, THINGS ARE GOOD!!
okay i'll get off that train, i initially started this post to tell you about why i love SA so much and how i had the best day yesterday exploring the city...
the day started with eating hamburgers at chester's, which claims to have the best burgers in town and they aren't lying! then my studly outdoorsman took me to the bexar county gun club!
we got to witness the marion 4-H club's annual fundraiser - "redneck triathlon" where a three-person team competes in skeet, washers, and bowling. after that, we took a nice hill country drive in his big chevy truck rocking out to hayes carll, roy orbison, and CCR. then he took me to check out an old deserted dancehall (cibolo creek country club) where we walked around and talked about the possibility of buying it, fixing it up and running the place ourselves...that would be AWESOME!
while driving along the backroads, i spotted a ginormous fireworks stand and talked my man into stopping for some firecrackers! thank you, theron, for indulging me in my pyro childhood nostalgia...
after that little excursion, we went and toured the new jw marriott hill country resort (which is GORGEOUS and the site of the new PGA tour) and we sat out on the golf course and drank blackberry mojitos (ha well for me)...shiner for the gentleman. if you haven't been yet, i HIGHLY recommend it...it's texas luxury at its finest! i'm pretty proud of myself for coordinating an outfit that can transition from the gun club to a five star hotel!
as if all of that weren't enough, we still went out and watched a full rodeo out at tejas and THEN met friends at copa wine bar at midnight! ah it makes me exhausted just thinking about it, but it was WONDERFUL. i love living life and really experiencing all that it has to offer. very thankful for EVERYTHING!
Monday, April 19, 2010
unbelievable
in reference to my previous post about the kindness of strangers and life's little things, i had to share this because i just think it's too cool. through a business card left with our check at las palapas, tabitha was able to contact the doers of goodwill and properly thank them. she received this response via email:
By the way,....I'd totally forgotten about that,.....If you hadn't of mentioned it in your Honestly Sincere & Respectful E-Mail containing the Thank You "Greeting" or "Heading",.....My Late Mother taught me to do things for strangers and never expect anything back. That's The Way That The Lord Worked His Wonderful Blessings,....Not that I'm even remotely considering myself "Christ-Like",....In any Way, Shape, Form or Manner,...But we Sinners can Aspire or rather, Commit To Being Better Human Beings (But still,...Sinners),.....Everyday.
rich
promise, i copied and pasted directly from the email. once again, it's not anything miraculous, but i'm so blown away by this unintentional concept of paying it forward. humanity is so good. God is even better.
pretty awesome day for a monday.
By the way,....I'd totally forgotten about that,.....If you hadn't of mentioned it in your Honestly Sincere & Respectful E-Mail containing the Thank You "Greeting" or "Heading",.....My Late Mother taught me to do things for strangers and never expect anything back. That's The Way That The Lord Worked His Wonderful Blessings,....Not that I'm even remotely considering myself "Christ-Like",....In any Way, Shape, Form or Manner,...But we Sinners can Aspire or rather, Commit To Being Better Human Beings (But still,...Sinners),.....Everyday.
rich
promise, i copied and pasted directly from the email. once again, it's not anything miraculous, but i'm so blown away by this unintentional concept of paying it forward. humanity is so good. God is even better.
pretty awesome day for a monday.
it's the little things in life...
i am convinced they matter most. sometimes it's just a matter of noticing the little things. if you don't stop and consciously look around, you could miss it...and that would be a tragic thing.
i, for one, woke up this morning just as happy as a clam on cloud nine because i had a weekend comprised of these little things i'm referring to. to give you some idea of what i'm talking about, i'll give you an attempt at a consolidated run down:
friday night, my friend tabitha and i saw the new tyler perry film (which was great) and then we spontaneously decided to go to bodean's place to do some boot scooting (have i mentioned how much i love to dance? when i'm spinning around a dance floor, it's like nothing else in the world matters.) tab and i were famished after hours of dancing so we headed to las palapas for some greasy late night mexican food. we talked and talked and ate enough chips and salsa to feed a small country, but guess what happened when we asked for the check? our waitress announced that the people in the booth behind us had already taken care of it! when we turned around to graciously thank our philanthropists, the mysterious strangers had vanished. i don't know if this has ever happened to you, but wow, it's small, but so profound.
saturday morning i woke up to a symphonic thunderstorm and declared that this was a morning better spent under the covers. i had a wonderful morning sleeping in and waking in my perfect REM cycle (never underestimate this!) a few moments after waking up, i got an unexpected call asking to have lunch with my bud tyler. we went and had burgers @ momak's (home of texas monthly's #19 best burger!) and had the best conversation! at the end of lunch, tyler says, "miss sowder, i know you loooooooove them sad country songs, but i've been thinkin...we have GOT to break you of your keith whitley-gary stewart maudlin episodes." for the record, it is NOT that bad. tyler continued, "i have devised a list of songs for you that are going to do you a world of good." i went home with tyler's bent up index card and downloaded all the tracks and he was right - dierks & patty griffin's "beautiful world" and tenth avenue north's "by your side" are full of the best encouragement. tyler, you're a good friend...and it is always a pleasure to spend an afternoon with an aggie boy whose mama raised him right!
i spent saturday night with some great company tracing the path along the river walk and having the most excellent dinner at the iron cactus! if you haven't been, you need to check it out! remember, i never endorse anything unless i totally believe in it. i'm willing to put money down that this place has the best margarita on the river. after dinner, we went to see the critically acclaimed san antonio rose live at the historic aztec theatre. this show traces country music from the 1920s to the 1980s and while the whole thing screams branson and we were about 40 years younger than every single person in the audience, i LOVED every minute of it! what is not to love about a whole cast of characters wearing scully shirts and singing conway, tammy, george, hank, merle, and lefty? i admit, not everyone's idea of a rip roaring good time, but i was in hog heaven! i'm bound and determined to get my grandmother frances down here for this spectacle.
sunday, i woke up and went to my life group and service at the best church in the world (ok that's presumptuous)! i say "best church in the world" because this church has meant so much to me personally and it has really changed my life. i NEVER thought i would go to a mega church and the thought of attending the biggest church in san antonio frankly scared the hell out of me (is it ok to say "hell" when talking about church? well, sometimes i'm not PC, but i'm real and i think God knows my heart.) the point is, going to a church that looks like a small college campus can be quite daunting, but CBC is just the opposite. the people i have met here are the warmest, kindest, most joyful souls i have ever known. this sunday was just great because the legendary dennis jernigan recorded a live CD and chris' message on romans and the inseparability from the love of God was just what i needed. if you ever want to come to church with me, please let me know!!!
i capped off the weekend with an afternoon barbecue, visiting my old college room mate alexis, watching the acm's, and finding out that one of my best friends got engaged - CONGRATULATIONS TO JESSICA & BRANDON! we'll be getting ready for a big, beautiful wedding in st. louis, missouri!
nothing terribly exciting of course, but i've found a lot of happiness in the intricacy of the smallest things. i know you could care less about what i did for the weekend and you're right, it doesn't really matter. i'm just an ordinary girl trying to live life the best way that i know how, but i do know that life is full of goodness and it's too short to be wasted. i know it sounds incredibly delusional and like i must be popping prozac at an alarming rate, but my message is genuine: do not let your heart become embittered, resentful, scarred, or held captive because not only can you be set free from that, but quite frankly, why would you want to live like that anyway?
i, for one, woke up this morning just as happy as a clam on cloud nine because i had a weekend comprised of these little things i'm referring to. to give you some idea of what i'm talking about, i'll give you an attempt at a consolidated run down:
friday night, my friend tabitha and i saw the new tyler perry film (which was great) and then we spontaneously decided to go to bodean's place to do some boot scooting (have i mentioned how much i love to dance? when i'm spinning around a dance floor, it's like nothing else in the world matters.) tab and i were famished after hours of dancing so we headed to las palapas for some greasy late night mexican food. we talked and talked and ate enough chips and salsa to feed a small country, but guess what happened when we asked for the check? our waitress announced that the people in the booth behind us had already taken care of it! when we turned around to graciously thank our philanthropists, the mysterious strangers had vanished. i don't know if this has ever happened to you, but wow, it's small, but so profound.
saturday morning i woke up to a symphonic thunderstorm and declared that this was a morning better spent under the covers. i had a wonderful morning sleeping in and waking in my perfect REM cycle (never underestimate this!) a few moments after waking up, i got an unexpected call asking to have lunch with my bud tyler. we went and had burgers @ momak's (home of texas monthly's #19 best burger!) and had the best conversation! at the end of lunch, tyler says, "miss sowder, i know you loooooooove them sad country songs, but i've been thinkin...we have GOT to break you of your keith whitley-gary stewart maudlin episodes." for the record, it is NOT that bad. tyler continued, "i have devised a list of songs for you that are going to do you a world of good." i went home with tyler's bent up index card and downloaded all the tracks and he was right - dierks & patty griffin's "beautiful world" and tenth avenue north's "by your side" are full of the best encouragement. tyler, you're a good friend...and it is always a pleasure to spend an afternoon with an aggie boy whose mama raised him right!
i spent saturday night with some great company tracing the path along the river walk and having the most excellent dinner at the iron cactus! if you haven't been, you need to check it out! remember, i never endorse anything unless i totally believe in it. i'm willing to put money down that this place has the best margarita on the river. after dinner, we went to see the critically acclaimed san antonio rose live at the historic aztec theatre. this show traces country music from the 1920s to the 1980s and while the whole thing screams branson and we were about 40 years younger than every single person in the audience, i LOVED every minute of it! what is not to love about a whole cast of characters wearing scully shirts and singing conway, tammy, george, hank, merle, and lefty? i admit, not everyone's idea of a rip roaring good time, but i was in hog heaven! i'm bound and determined to get my grandmother frances down here for this spectacle.
sunday, i woke up and went to my life group and service at the best church in the world (ok that's presumptuous)! i say "best church in the world" because this church has meant so much to me personally and it has really changed my life. i NEVER thought i would go to a mega church and the thought of attending the biggest church in san antonio frankly scared the hell out of me (is it ok to say "hell" when talking about church? well, sometimes i'm not PC, but i'm real and i think God knows my heart.) the point is, going to a church that looks like a small college campus can be quite daunting, but CBC is just the opposite. the people i have met here are the warmest, kindest, most joyful souls i have ever known. this sunday was just great because the legendary dennis jernigan recorded a live CD and chris' message on romans and the inseparability from the love of God was just what i needed. if you ever want to come to church with me, please let me know!!!
i capped off the weekend with an afternoon barbecue, visiting my old college room mate alexis, watching the acm's, and finding out that one of my best friends got engaged - CONGRATULATIONS TO JESSICA & BRANDON! we'll be getting ready for a big, beautiful wedding in st. louis, missouri!
nothing terribly exciting of course, but i've found a lot of happiness in the intricacy of the smallest things. i know you could care less about what i did for the weekend and you're right, it doesn't really matter. i'm just an ordinary girl trying to live life the best way that i know how, but i do know that life is full of goodness and it's too short to be wasted. i know it sounds incredibly delusional and like i must be popping prozac at an alarming rate, but my message is genuine: do not let your heart become embittered, resentful, scarred, or held captive because not only can you be set free from that, but quite frankly, why would you want to live like that anyway?
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Sunday, February 28, 2010
we must support our troops!
my mom passed this along to me:
john gebhardt's wife, mindy, said that this little girl's entire family was executed. the insurgents intended to execute the little girl also, and shot her in the head...but they failed to kill her. she was cared for in john's hospital and is healing up, but continues to cry and moan. the nurses said john is the only one who seems to calm her down, so john has spent the last four nights holding her while they both slept in that chair. the girl is coming along with her healing. he is a real star of the war, and represents what america is trying to do.
i'm praying for you guys/girls in the military...that is one of THE toughest things for you and your families. THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART FOR ALL THAT YOU DO.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
give thanks
since thanksgiving is tomorrow, i think i owe it to the holiday and to myself to state that i'm just so thankful for the things in my life.
i have been given so, so much and when i really stop and take stock of it all, i am astounded. i'm not talking about material bs either; as i get older, i realize that none of that matters so much. in fact, i'm learning that when you own a lot of stuff it can almost be enslaving. what i'm thankful for this year is all so much more than that:
a) i'm thankful for my relationship with Jesus Christ. He's been so faithful to me this year. i have leaned on Him and i have sought after Him and He's proven time and time again that He's in control. i have learned the true meaning of romans 5:3-5 in that it's absolutely true that "suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope."
b) i'm thankful for my family. my family is an unwavering system of support and love and i am so thankful for each and every one of them. you don't have any choice in regards to what family you're born into, so i know that i am fortunate to have this family of mine - i'm going to try to be more conscious of that.
c) i'm thankful for my friends. my friends are just good, good people. you know this old song? i don't know what i did to deserve it, but that's the kind of people they are. couldn't do it without 'em.
d) i'm thankful for lessons learned. i always learn them the hard way, but that wisdom gained is invaluable.
it's true, life is just good. i'm happy and i'm at peace with where i'm at on this journey.
HAPPY THANKSGIVING Y'ALL! COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS!
thanksgiving with my kiddos (who i'm also INFINITELY thankful for.)
i have been given so, so much and when i really stop and take stock of it all, i am astounded. i'm not talking about material bs either; as i get older, i realize that none of that matters so much. in fact, i'm learning that when you own a lot of stuff it can almost be enslaving. what i'm thankful for this year is all so much more than that:
a) i'm thankful for my relationship with Jesus Christ. He's been so faithful to me this year. i have leaned on Him and i have sought after Him and He's proven time and time again that He's in control. i have learned the true meaning of romans 5:3-5 in that it's absolutely true that "suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope."
b) i'm thankful for my family. my family is an unwavering system of support and love and i am so thankful for each and every one of them. you don't have any choice in regards to what family you're born into, so i know that i am fortunate to have this family of mine - i'm going to try to be more conscious of that.
c) i'm thankful for my friends. my friends are just good, good people. you know this old song? i don't know what i did to deserve it, but that's the kind of people they are. couldn't do it without 'em.
d) i'm thankful for lessons learned. i always learn them the hard way, but that wisdom gained is invaluable.
it's true, life is just good. i'm happy and i'm at peace with where i'm at on this journey.
HAPPY THANKSGIVING Y'ALL! COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS!
thanksgiving with my kiddos (who i'm also INFINITELY thankful for.)
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
everyone's been asking about...
the golf tournament that i just did for my charity last week, so i wanted to let you know that it was a TOTAL SUCCESS!
we had a nice field of golfers, valero gave us a HUGE sponsorship - love you valero!, the kids had a fantastic time...and best of all, THE NET PROFIT TRIPLED FROM LAST YEAR'S EVENT!!!
i share this with you because it is a huge testimony to the fact that God works for the good of those who petition Him and trust Him in ALL things - great or small.
TWO WEEKS BEFORE THE TOURNAMENT, we had ZERO sponsorship, no database, 20 golfers, and ZERO volunteers. at that point, i knew i was going to have to pull off something beyond me. i was so overwhelmed with such a daunting task that one morning I drove to work in the pouring rain and I just broke down and started bawling my eyes out on the side of the road. i was having to face the fact that i might get fired, i was planning an event in which we were going to go into a deficit and have to pay five grand to ironically have a fundraiser, and i was in this all alone. right then and there, i just prayed that God would take over and that He would open opportunities and put the right people in my path. my prayer was constantly matthew 25:40 and that the right individuals would see that "whatever you have done for the least of these, you have done for me."
well, suffice it to say, GOD IS GOOD. i could tell you a million cool (true) stories from the past two weeks - from random strangers handing me $500 checks in the grocery store, to mysterious anonymous donors making contributions without even knowing the dire situation, to big corporations cutting through the red tape to cut me a big check. God answered my prayers in a way that was beyond my wildest imagination. i know we see a lot of bad things happen and often question "where is God in this?" or "the whole world is evil," but believe me, there are still a lot of good, good souls out there. and yes, miracles still happen.
I want to thank EVERYONE who prayed for me or gave me words of encouragement or just had my kids on their heart these past few weeks. COULD NOT HAVE DONE IT WITHOUT YOUR SUPPORT. i stand in awe of what we accomplished. yes, i worked my tail off, but i give all the glory to God. THANK YOU!!!
we had a nice field of golfers, valero gave us a HUGE sponsorship - love you valero!, the kids had a fantastic time...and best of all, THE NET PROFIT TRIPLED FROM LAST YEAR'S EVENT!!!
i share this with you because it is a huge testimony to the fact that God works for the good of those who petition Him and trust Him in ALL things - great or small.
TWO WEEKS BEFORE THE TOURNAMENT, we had ZERO sponsorship, no database, 20 golfers, and ZERO volunteers. at that point, i knew i was going to have to pull off something beyond me. i was so overwhelmed with such a daunting task that one morning I drove to work in the pouring rain and I just broke down and started bawling my eyes out on the side of the road. i was having to face the fact that i might get fired, i was planning an event in which we were going to go into a deficit and have to pay five grand to ironically have a fundraiser, and i was in this all alone. right then and there, i just prayed that God would take over and that He would open opportunities and put the right people in my path. my prayer was constantly matthew 25:40 and that the right individuals would see that "whatever you have done for the least of these, you have done for me."
well, suffice it to say, GOD IS GOOD. i could tell you a million cool (true) stories from the past two weeks - from random strangers handing me $500 checks in the grocery store, to mysterious anonymous donors making contributions without even knowing the dire situation, to big corporations cutting through the red tape to cut me a big check. God answered my prayers in a way that was beyond my wildest imagination. i know we see a lot of bad things happen and often question "where is God in this?" or "the whole world is evil," but believe me, there are still a lot of good, good souls out there. and yes, miracles still happen.
I want to thank EVERYONE who prayed for me or gave me words of encouragement or just had my kids on their heart these past few weeks. COULD NOT HAVE DONE IT WITHOUT YOUR SUPPORT. i stand in awe of what we accomplished. yes, i worked my tail off, but i give all the glory to God. THANK YOU!!!
Sunday, October 18, 2009
that's what i love about sundays.
today's been a good day and i sure am grateful for good days. sometimes they're rare, sometimes they're nowhere in sight, but most of the time i just think they go unnoticed. in an effort to recognize a swell day and give it the credit it most certainly deserves, i thought i'd share with my blog world.
first of all, church was just phenomenal this morning. had a great lifegroup with intersect, where i got to meet some really cool, really genuine people who raved about my paula deen brownies! then our pastor, robert emmitt - who is AMAZING!, delivered this awesome message based on mark 14 and dealing with life's adversities and the cup of suffering. he talked a lot about tony dungy and wow, that man's faith is just flat out inspiring to say the least.
i left church feeling renewed and recharged, but mostly, full of appreciation for all the struggles and hard times that God has brought me through. whether i acknowledge it or not, He's always right there walking beside me, picking me up when i fall flat on my face. i think to myself, "what do people do without faith in their lives?" i just can't comprehend going through the travesty and heartbreak that is life without Jesus. how hopeless and unbearable.
after getting home, i called miss ali to come over and help me with a little project. since i've moved into the new apartment complex, i've been wanting to do something special for all of my nearby neighbors who i've met as we come and go.
now don't get any grand illusions, i'm not a fantastic cook, but i do love to bake and i have this deep-seeded notion that a piece of pie does the heart good. with this in mind, i have spent all afternoon baking pies to take to the neighbors and just finished hand delivering them.
the reaction? well, my goodness, you would have thought i just told some of these people they won the lottery!!! they were so blown away by this small token of goodwill, they just couldn't believe it. you know, i'll always believe that homemade gestures have a way of really impacting people. i know, i know. it's ridiculously corny, old fashioned, and reminiscent of decades gone by, but it's a way of life that i think is worth preserving.
it's so unfortunate that our society has socialized us to become isolated, self-reliant, self-absorbed people who don't even speak to each other in person anymore. if you happen to live in the same vicinity as this little girl from shallowater, texas, she just won't let it happen. sorry. :)
(thanks for the picture al.)
first of all, church was just phenomenal this morning. had a great lifegroup with intersect, where i got to meet some really cool, really genuine people who raved about my paula deen brownies! then our pastor, robert emmitt - who is AMAZING!, delivered this awesome message based on mark 14 and dealing with life's adversities and the cup of suffering. he talked a lot about tony dungy and wow, that man's faith is just flat out inspiring to say the least.
i left church feeling renewed and recharged, but mostly, full of appreciation for all the struggles and hard times that God has brought me through. whether i acknowledge it or not, He's always right there walking beside me, picking me up when i fall flat on my face. i think to myself, "what do people do without faith in their lives?" i just can't comprehend going through the travesty and heartbreak that is life without Jesus. how hopeless and unbearable.
after getting home, i called miss ali to come over and help me with a little project. since i've moved into the new apartment complex, i've been wanting to do something special for all of my nearby neighbors who i've met as we come and go.
now don't get any grand illusions, i'm not a fantastic cook, but i do love to bake and i have this deep-seeded notion that a piece of pie does the heart good. with this in mind, i have spent all afternoon baking pies to take to the neighbors and just finished hand delivering them.
the reaction? well, my goodness, you would have thought i just told some of these people they won the lottery!!! they were so blown away by this small token of goodwill, they just couldn't believe it. you know, i'll always believe that homemade gestures have a way of really impacting people. i know, i know. it's ridiculously corny, old fashioned, and reminiscent of decades gone by, but it's a way of life that i think is worth preserving.
it's so unfortunate that our society has socialized us to become isolated, self-reliant, self-absorbed people who don't even speak to each other in person anymore. if you happen to live in the same vicinity as this little girl from shallowater, texas, she just won't let it happen. sorry. :)
(thanks for the picture al.)
Monday, August 10, 2009
welcome to the jungle...
and no, i'm not about to start singing guns n' roses as much as you'd like for that to happen.
i'm actually referring to my recent trip to the central american, northern darien jungles of panama! for those of you who don't know, last week, i went to a remote tribal village called errebache about an hour outside of panama city to work on a mission construction project with my church. i had no idea what to expect from this venture, but i knew that it had the capacity to leave a significant impact on my life. (understatement)
i'll be honest, i started the trip begrudgingly due to several extenuating circumstances (broken commitments @ work, laying on my deathbed, and lauren's last-minute cancellation), but God and i did a lot of talking and He reassured me that if i had a little bit of faith and some patience, He was going to teach me a lot of things.
was that promise fulfilled? most certainly. IT ALWAYS IS.
throughout the course of my very own man vs. wild episode (spearing fish, chasing spider monkeys, butchering chickens, swinging from vines, crossing rivers, and identifying strange insects), i was reminded what a connection there is between nature and spirituality. to be away from society and all of its trappings was such an invaluable gift. to be completely free of deadlines, traffic, money, communication devices, etc. is pure soul restoration...and i relish it.
but most importantly, i was reminded of the power of the human connection. though i had very little in common with an indigenous embera tribe, there are certain universals that transcend gender, age, race, and geography. to forge a bond with someone completely unlike yourself and to go into their community not because you wish to change them, alter them, or give them some brand of western theology...but because you simply want to show up and meet a need...wow, that's powerful stuff.
what struck me the most about this trip was the fact that there was little if no preaching utilized, yet 5 of the villagers came to accept Christ. It was completely unfathomable to them that we would pay hard-earned money to come over to panama so that we could sweat, sleep in tents, and break our backs doing manual labor. there is so much to be learned from st. francis of assisi's "preach the gospel and if necessary use words." there's most definitely a time and place for talking about God and what He's done in your life...but i think it's crucially important to LIVE IT. (a continual work in progress for myself.)
though i left my heart back in panama, i'm so unbelievably excited to see what's going to transpire in that community. God is so good!
i'm actually referring to my recent trip to the central american, northern darien jungles of panama! for those of you who don't know, last week, i went to a remote tribal village called errebache about an hour outside of panama city to work on a mission construction project with my church. i had no idea what to expect from this venture, but i knew that it had the capacity to leave a significant impact on my life. (understatement)
i'll be honest, i started the trip begrudgingly due to several extenuating circumstances (broken commitments @ work, laying on my deathbed, and lauren's last-minute cancellation), but God and i did a lot of talking and He reassured me that if i had a little bit of faith and some patience, He was going to teach me a lot of things.
was that promise fulfilled? most certainly. IT ALWAYS IS.
throughout the course of my very own man vs. wild episode (spearing fish, chasing spider monkeys, butchering chickens, swinging from vines, crossing rivers, and identifying strange insects), i was reminded what a connection there is between nature and spirituality. to be away from society and all of its trappings was such an invaluable gift. to be completely free of deadlines, traffic, money, communication devices, etc. is pure soul restoration...and i relish it.
but most importantly, i was reminded of the power of the human connection. though i had very little in common with an indigenous embera tribe, there are certain universals that transcend gender, age, race, and geography. to forge a bond with someone completely unlike yourself and to go into their community not because you wish to change them, alter them, or give them some brand of western theology...but because you simply want to show up and meet a need...wow, that's powerful stuff.
what struck me the most about this trip was the fact that there was little if no preaching utilized, yet 5 of the villagers came to accept Christ. It was completely unfathomable to them that we would pay hard-earned money to come over to panama so that we could sweat, sleep in tents, and break our backs doing manual labor. there is so much to be learned from st. francis of assisi's "preach the gospel and if necessary use words." there's most definitely a time and place for talking about God and what He's done in your life...but i think it's crucially important to LIVE IT. (a continual work in progress for myself.)
though i left my heart back in panama, i'm so unbelievably excited to see what's going to transpire in that community. God is so good!
Monday, May 18, 2009
PLEASE PRAY FOR THE WILSON FAMILY
there's no easy way to say this, but last week, jordan wilson (a friend of mine from baylor) took his own life. jordan was three years younger than me, so i hadn't kept up with him in awhile, but i know he must have been going through a really rough time for this to happen. i took a journalism class with jordan my senior year and i remember him being so eager to get out there and make a mark on this world. right now i'm confused and bewildered as to how a young man with so much talent and promise could go to a place this hopeless and dark.
as much as i'm feeling this way, i cannot even comprehend what his family and friends must be going through. jordan's dad is the pastor at fellowship bible church in conway, arkansas and i know that they're really struggling to grapple with all of this. i received the following email from ken (jordan's dad) and i thought i would share it with you:
Dear Friends, Family & Church,
Over the past 9 and a half years it has been my responsibility to be
there for the Body at Fellowship Conway and encourage and pray for you in difficult times. During those times I have asked you all to be open and honest about the realities of life. It is only when we have the integrity to not pretend that God and His people are able to show the grace that He has and we should be known for. Now is the time for my family to practice what "I Preach." Tuesday morning Dawn and I were informed that our 20 year old son, Jordan, took his life in his room in Waco some time Tuesday morning. We have known that Jordan was having a hard time this year at Baylor. Dawn was leaving on Wednesday to go to help Jordan move into a new apartment and come home for a few weeks before starting summer school. I do not know anything I can say to tell you how much we are hurting and how confused we are, but our faith is real. Please pray for us.
In the hands of the Almighty.
Ken
i shared this email because i thought it was such a testament to the faith and trust that this family has in God; that even in the midst of such a devastating trial, they still claim God as sovereign and in control. i think we can all learn something from this kind of sheer, difficult, tenacious spirituality. at least i can.
i ask that you please think of the wilson family this week, please pray that they may find peace and understanding. i also ask that you pray for jordan's friends who miss him and are trying to make sense of everything.
i know a lot of people are going to miss having jordan wilson in their lives. i, for one, will miss his contagious laughter, endless sense of wonder, and undeniable passion for the things that he loved.
something i'm holding on to: "for i am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." -romans 8:38-39
as much as i'm feeling this way, i cannot even comprehend what his family and friends must be going through. jordan's dad is the pastor at fellowship bible church in conway, arkansas and i know that they're really struggling to grapple with all of this. i received the following email from ken (jordan's dad) and i thought i would share it with you:
Dear Friends, Family & Church,
Over the past 9 and a half years it has been my responsibility to be
there for the Body at Fellowship Conway and encourage and pray for you in difficult times. During those times I have asked you all to be open and honest about the realities of life. It is only when we have the integrity to not pretend that God and His people are able to show the grace that He has and we should be known for. Now is the time for my family to practice what "I Preach." Tuesday morning Dawn and I were informed that our 20 year old son, Jordan, took his life in his room in Waco some time Tuesday morning. We have known that Jordan was having a hard time this year at Baylor. Dawn was leaving on Wednesday to go to help Jordan move into a new apartment and come home for a few weeks before starting summer school. I do not know anything I can say to tell you how much we are hurting and how confused we are, but our faith is real. Please pray for us.
In the hands of the Almighty.
Ken
i shared this email because i thought it was such a testament to the faith and trust that this family has in God; that even in the midst of such a devastating trial, they still claim God as sovereign and in control. i think we can all learn something from this kind of sheer, difficult, tenacious spirituality. at least i can.
i ask that you please think of the wilson family this week, please pray that they may find peace and understanding. i also ask that you pray for jordan's friends who miss him and are trying to make sense of everything.
i know a lot of people are going to miss having jordan wilson in their lives. i, for one, will miss his contagious laughter, endless sense of wonder, and undeniable passion for the things that he loved.
something i'm holding on to: "for i am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." -romans 8:38-39
Sunday, April 19, 2009
something to chew on
have you ever walked into church on a sunday morning to find that the message being preached was absolutely, positively, unquestionably intended for your own two ears to hear? sure, you probably find yourself sitting in a pew for several good reasons, and any sermon can be deemed advantageous or beneficial to its listener; but what i'm referring to is the all consuming, hit-you-deep-in-the-gut, penetrating sermon that makes you think, "wow. obviously, this is not coincidental."
these were actually my own thoughts this very morning.
the morning didn't start off great, keep in mind. i was running late and story of my life - couldn't find anything to wear since all of my clothes were covering my floor. it had even entered my mind to postpone church, but i had promised my friend that i would go with her to the early service and i didn't want to seem flaky. so as i entered the great doors of community bible church (shameless plug), my expectations were mediocre at best.
after an awesome time of worship, as always, our pastor began asking the congregation questions like, "do you believe in God?, do you believe in your salvation? do you believe that God is in control of your life?, etc." and asked everyone to raise their hands if our answer was yes. well...ummm...yeah, we're all sitting in church so of course we all (or most of us anyway) believe those fundamental things. then he said, "precisely. you believe all of those things, but do you trust them? because folks, you've got to understand the difference between belief and trust."
over the course of the next hour, pastor emmitt began laying out a very simple, yet complex message: faith is nothing without trust.
throughout the message, proverbs 3:5-6 was used and oh how i love that old standby. was anybody else out there forced to participate in the old rite of passage known as "bible drill?" i have no idea if kids even do it anymore, but it was this torturous, anxiety-ridden bible competition where, as an 11-year-old child, you were expected to memorize over 100 verses, locate any book in the bible, and find any key passage under an insane time limit. mamma made me do it year after year (and i detested her for it), but the good news is, i'm able to conjure up bible verses at the drop of a hat! sorry, y'all know i'm prone to getting off topic...
back to that verse(s), it goes something like this, "TRUST in the lord with all your HEART, and lean not on your OWN understanding; in ALL your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight."
there's that "trust" word again. what does it mean and why is it so freakin' hard for me?
answer to question 1: trust [truhst] -noun 1. reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety of a person or thing. 2. confident expectation of something.
answer to question 2: a little bit more difficult to assess. barring myself from intensive therapy or psychoanalysis, i'm going to go out on a limb and say that it's pretty much the same for all of us across the board. at one time in our lives we trusted in something (or someone) and we got burned. badly. irrevocably. painfully burned. therefore, you harden yourself and you fortify your walls like ft. knox because no one is ever going to make you feel like that again. one of several problems that comes from banishing vulnerability and denying child-like innocence?
...eventually, you can become so world-weary and jaded that even trusting the Lord Almighty seems like an impossible task.
now, i haven't personally gone to that level yet, but i do experience doubt, fear, and insecurity; therefore, those things create a breeding ground for mistrust. the cool thing that i learned today was that, unlike people of this world - and myself, God is described as "one with whom there is never the slightest variation or shadow of inconsistency." (james 1:17) steadfast reliability and loyal fidelity? sign me up...
also, we are promised that "SURELY, goodness and mercy shall follow me ALL the days of my LIFE; and I will DWELL in the house of the LORD FOREVER." (psalms 23:6) i just love this, because a) the word surely connotes 100%; not maybe, not possibly, not somehow. SURELY. b) all the days of my life? that means forever. that means you will never go one day of your life without God pursuing you. c) dwell in the house of the lord? i'd say that's a good place to be.
so again, i ask myself, what would it look like in my life to not just believe, but to all-out trust? to put that truth into practice so that every event, every tragedy, every prayer that came my way would be faced with an unshakeable conviction that God is in control and completely trustworthy?
i'll let you know, because i intend to find out.
*if you have any helpful tips, life experiences, recommended reading on this topic - please feel free to share. i'd love to know your thoughts.
these were actually my own thoughts this very morning.
the morning didn't start off great, keep in mind. i was running late and story of my life - couldn't find anything to wear since all of my clothes were covering my floor. it had even entered my mind to postpone church, but i had promised my friend that i would go with her to the early service and i didn't want to seem flaky. so as i entered the great doors of community bible church (shameless plug), my expectations were mediocre at best.
after an awesome time of worship, as always, our pastor began asking the congregation questions like, "do you believe in God?, do you believe in your salvation? do you believe that God is in control of your life?, etc." and asked everyone to raise their hands if our answer was yes. well...ummm...yeah, we're all sitting in church so of course we all (or most of us anyway) believe those fundamental things. then he said, "precisely. you believe all of those things, but do you trust them? because folks, you've got to understand the difference between belief and trust."
over the course of the next hour, pastor emmitt began laying out a very simple, yet complex message: faith is nothing without trust.
throughout the message, proverbs 3:5-6 was used and oh how i love that old standby. was anybody else out there forced to participate in the old rite of passage known as "bible drill?" i have no idea if kids even do it anymore, but it was this torturous, anxiety-ridden bible competition where, as an 11-year-old child, you were expected to memorize over 100 verses, locate any book in the bible, and find any key passage under an insane time limit. mamma made me do it year after year (and i detested her for it), but the good news is, i'm able to conjure up bible verses at the drop of a hat! sorry, y'all know i'm prone to getting off topic...
back to that verse(s), it goes something like this, "TRUST in the lord with all your HEART, and lean not on your OWN understanding; in ALL your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight."
there's that "trust" word again. what does it mean and why is it so freakin' hard for me?
answer to question 1: trust [truhst] -noun 1. reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety of a person or thing. 2. confident expectation of something.
answer to question 2: a little bit more difficult to assess. barring myself from intensive therapy or psychoanalysis, i'm going to go out on a limb and say that it's pretty much the same for all of us across the board. at one time in our lives we trusted in something (or someone) and we got burned. badly. irrevocably. painfully burned. therefore, you harden yourself and you fortify your walls like ft. knox because no one is ever going to make you feel like that again. one of several problems that comes from banishing vulnerability and denying child-like innocence?
...eventually, you can become so world-weary and jaded that even trusting the Lord Almighty seems like an impossible task.
now, i haven't personally gone to that level yet, but i do experience doubt, fear, and insecurity; therefore, those things create a breeding ground for mistrust. the cool thing that i learned today was that, unlike people of this world - and myself, God is described as "one with whom there is never the slightest variation or shadow of inconsistency." (james 1:17) steadfast reliability and loyal fidelity? sign me up...
also, we are promised that "SURELY, goodness and mercy shall follow me ALL the days of my LIFE; and I will DWELL in the house of the LORD FOREVER." (psalms 23:6) i just love this, because a) the word surely connotes 100%; not maybe, not possibly, not somehow. SURELY. b) all the days of my life? that means forever. that means you will never go one day of your life without God pursuing you. c) dwell in the house of the lord? i'd say that's a good place to be.
so again, i ask myself, what would it look like in my life to not just believe, but to all-out trust? to put that truth into practice so that every event, every tragedy, every prayer that came my way would be faced with an unshakeable conviction that God is in control and completely trustworthy?
i'll let you know, because i intend to find out.
*if you have any helpful tips, life experiences, recommended reading on this topic - please feel free to share. i'd love to know your thoughts.
Friday, September 5, 2008
if you consider yourself a christian, please read this.
NOTE: this is unlike any other post i have ever made before, so you'll have to bear with me. i tend to stay away from making this blog a religious diatribe, because that's just not who i am. i'm not a preacher. i'm not "in the ministry." i don't have a theology degree. i mess up repeatedly on a daily basis. and yes, i'm a little rough-around-the-edges. but what i'm about to write about is of utmost importance to me, so i really can't ignore it.
for those of you who have been keeping up with me through this blog or by other means, (primarily the internet - i LOVE your messages - keep them coming!) you know that I have been placed in a very unique situation down here in mexico. i have been tested in every way imaginable, but specifically, spiritually. currently, i live in an environment with a buddhist, several atheists, agnostics, mormons, and people who are just generally seeking anything to make themselves feel better. religious discussions happen almost everyday and i am finding that i, as a christian, stand alone.
there is another christian here; however, he feels the need to scream at our coworkers and tell them that they have no soul and that they are going to rot in hell. though this is hardly tolerable behavior, the worst part is that he is an avid user of drugs and has a sexual appetite for anything that moves...so do you see what i'm getting at? a little case of the pot calling the kettle black as we like to say back in west texas.
i have been having many conversations into the wee hours of the morning with all of my house mates and this is the general consensus that i'm getting. at one time or another, they were all open to christianity, but because of two-faced, judgmental, condescending, hateful christians, they turned their back on the faith altogether. a few of them have shared their stories with me and they have caused my heart to break. these people have experienced everything from the church telling them that they could no longer attend services due to their assumed sexual orientation, leaders of the church "kicking out" their family because a mother chose to divorce her husband after taking years of physical abuse, sexual abuse from the pastor, pure hatred and antagonization from "christian" classmates at school just because they were different, and more. would you ever want to be affiliated with an institution when you had experienced these things? i wouldn't.
not only have all of these heinous things transpired in their lives IN THE CONFINES OF THE CHURCH, but they have never even witnessed an actual individual who put his or her faith into practice. not one. they say to me, "shannan, why would i want to be a christian when you are all no different than anybody else?"
if you know my history, you know that i have been going to church 3+ times a week since the day i was born - in the bible belt no less. i then chose to go to baylor university for college - don't even get me started about that. every time i turned a corner, i could attend a prayer meeting, go to a shane&shane concert, see a jesus is my homeboy t-shirt, have scripture recited to me, gather at common grounds to discuss theology, go to church camp at pine cove or ozark, join a bible study, save the children in darfur, go to the movies or have dinner with my christian life group. i want to make this point, there is nothing wrong with any of that, but let me assure you this: THAT IS NOT REAL LIFE. and if it is your life, you really need think about getting out of your incubator.
let me make it clear. i did not ask to be placed into this situation. i didn't sign up to go be a foreign missionary, i simply accepted a job. HOWEVER, i must be here for a reason. i have a real opportunity here...a chance to prove that authenticity and christianity can coexist. and i'm terrified. the legitimacy of christianity to these people might depend on how i act and what i say? how i live my life? how i react? how i treat others?
i have no idea what i'm getting myself into, but i am going to try from the depths of my heart to love these people. i mean, to really love them. despite their pasts, despite the decisions they have made, despite their current beliefs - i am just going to love them. i think one of the flaws with modern day evangelism is that the first objective is conversion. but i think to myself, how can you "save" someone without showing them compassion and displaying a genuine interest in their lives first?
if any of this has at all struck a chord with you, i need you to do two things. first of all, please pray that God gives me the strength, determination and foresight to be the right kind of christian to all of my friends here. pray that he gives me patience and willpower to keep on this task. pray for my friends here and that they have a desire to know more. second of all, if you consider yourself a christian, PLEASE, I BEG OF YOU - LIVE YOUR FAITH. STRAY FROM JUDGING PEOPLE. BE REAL. you have no idea how much this world needs that.
as always, i thank you from the bottom of my heart for your support and prayers. in the darkest times, you have been my sustainability.
for those of you who have been keeping up with me through this blog or by other means, (primarily the internet - i LOVE your messages - keep them coming!) you know that I have been placed in a very unique situation down here in mexico. i have been tested in every way imaginable, but specifically, spiritually. currently, i live in an environment with a buddhist, several atheists, agnostics, mormons, and people who are just generally seeking anything to make themselves feel better. religious discussions happen almost everyday and i am finding that i, as a christian, stand alone.
there is another christian here; however, he feels the need to scream at our coworkers and tell them that they have no soul and that they are going to rot in hell. though this is hardly tolerable behavior, the worst part is that he is an avid user of drugs and has a sexual appetite for anything that moves...so do you see what i'm getting at? a little case of the pot calling the kettle black as we like to say back in west texas.
i have been having many conversations into the wee hours of the morning with all of my house mates and this is the general consensus that i'm getting. at one time or another, they were all open to christianity, but because of two-faced, judgmental, condescending, hateful christians, they turned their back on the faith altogether. a few of them have shared their stories with me and they have caused my heart to break. these people have experienced everything from the church telling them that they could no longer attend services due to their assumed sexual orientation, leaders of the church "kicking out" their family because a mother chose to divorce her husband after taking years of physical abuse, sexual abuse from the pastor, pure hatred and antagonization from "christian" classmates at school just because they were different, and more. would you ever want to be affiliated with an institution when you had experienced these things? i wouldn't.
not only have all of these heinous things transpired in their lives IN THE CONFINES OF THE CHURCH, but they have never even witnessed an actual individual who put his or her faith into practice. not one. they say to me, "shannan, why would i want to be a christian when you are all no different than anybody else?"
if you know my history, you know that i have been going to church 3+ times a week since the day i was born - in the bible belt no less. i then chose to go to baylor university for college - don't even get me started about that. every time i turned a corner, i could attend a prayer meeting, go to a shane&shane concert, see a jesus is my homeboy t-shirt, have scripture recited to me, gather at common grounds to discuss theology, go to church camp at pine cove or ozark, join a bible study, save the children in darfur, go to the movies or have dinner with my christian life group. i want to make this point, there is nothing wrong with any of that, but let me assure you this: THAT IS NOT REAL LIFE. and if it is your life, you really need think about getting out of your incubator.
let me make it clear. i did not ask to be placed into this situation. i didn't sign up to go be a foreign missionary, i simply accepted a job. HOWEVER, i must be here for a reason. i have a real opportunity here...a chance to prove that authenticity and christianity can coexist. and i'm terrified. the legitimacy of christianity to these people might depend on how i act and what i say? how i live my life? how i react? how i treat others?
i have no idea what i'm getting myself into, but i am going to try from the depths of my heart to love these people. i mean, to really love them. despite their pasts, despite the decisions they have made, despite their current beliefs - i am just going to love them. i think one of the flaws with modern day evangelism is that the first objective is conversion. but i think to myself, how can you "save" someone without showing them compassion and displaying a genuine interest in their lives first?
if any of this has at all struck a chord with you, i need you to do two things. first of all, please pray that God gives me the strength, determination and foresight to be the right kind of christian to all of my friends here. pray that he gives me patience and willpower to keep on this task. pray for my friends here and that they have a desire to know more. second of all, if you consider yourself a christian, PLEASE, I BEG OF YOU - LIVE YOUR FAITH. STRAY FROM JUDGING PEOPLE. BE REAL. you have no idea how much this world needs that.
as always, i thank you from the bottom of my heart for your support and prayers. in the darkest times, you have been my sustainability.
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