thoughts on a sunday night.

i definitely shouldn't be writing on my blog right now. shame on me. i have the biggest spanish paper of the enitre semester due tomorrow, not to mention my freaking senior portfolio (a project that's been 4 years in the making)has to go off to the printer on TUESDAY!!!!!

yeah it's safe to say that anna's interpretation of my pregnancy dream is dead-on accurate...someone's been procrastinating. for those of you who aren't familiar with finding the meaning of dreams, i was informed by a credible source that the reocurring dream i keep having about being full-blown 9 months pregnant is directly associated with putting things off. who knew?

anyway, the last staple that's holding my sanity together right now is my discovery of pandora.com. you can create your very own radio stations based on your favorite artists and have them saved forever! best thing since sliced bread if you ask me. my personal recommendation: type in amos lee.

so yes, while i'm listening to the sexy, ubelievable voice of amos sing "colors" here in the moody library computer lab, i have currently typed one page of my paper. the truth is, i've just got other things on my mind.

like my looming gradutaion.

i must be one hell of a headcase because my feelings are so contradictory on the subject that it is really unbelievable. one day i'm so sick of school i can hardly stand it, the other i'm holding on to college like velcro. tonight my feelings side with the latter.

i was talking to my mom this weekend and she said something about me needing to be ready to go the day after graduation because she had already reserved a uhaul and taken off of work to move me home - to which i thought, how strange. that's in 40 days. i'm not ready for that.

yeah, yeah, i'm being overly melodramatic about the entire thing i realize. has my readership of 2.4 people ever known me to be anything different? but it just seems like everyone's so damn excited about graduating and starting their lives - they're "over college." is something wrong w/ me because i'm not over it? maybe i've been living in ignorant bliss, but the last 4 years of my life have been idyllic. why would you want to change that?

don't know where all of this is stemming from...i suppose i can forsee that i'm on the verge of a quarter-life crisis. and for those of you attending graduation events/those of you who have any contact w/ me during that last week...there will be tears. lots of them.

however, the best man in my life made me feel a little bit better about my predicament. tonight, my daddy said, "well shan, would you rather be the girl who was really upset about college being over because you absolutely loved it and had the time of your life, or do you want to be the girl who was ambivalent about the whole thing because college was simply a means to an end?" so much wisdom pops. you're right, because i've already been that other girl before. and it's something i always regretted.

you see, i did things completely different in college. i broke the rules (sorry daddy.) i stayed out all night long. i drove to college station in the middle of the night. hell, i drove across the country. i dressed up for every theme party imaginable (delts of hazard to swimsuits and cowboy boots.) i went to concerts all over texas and screamed like the groupie i am. i got a whole glove compartment full of speeding tickets. i joined a sorority. i drank myself under the table on special holidays like diadeloso. i danced every chance i got. i lived in two different foreign countries and even picked up a foreign language along the way! i went out with a slew of different boys. i dealt with a substantial amount of relationship drama due to aforementioned boys. i sang karaoke often, or at least along w/ the piano man. i walked the catwalk in front of my house. i had long, life altering conversations on the bear trail. i got visiting hours violations. i went to baseball games, basketball games, football games, lacrosse games, tennis matches, and even some rugby. i went to places like west, texas (no, not my neck of the woods - the actual town) @ 4 a.m. just to get kolaches. i met my best friends, the loves of my life. and more than anything, i loved with my whole heart and nothing less.

yeah i realize i'm going to pay a price for that one, but in the end, i think it was worth it. ;)

there's absolutely not one thing i would do differently about the past 4 years and i couldn't be more proud to say that.

no regrets.