it's a hard knock life.

we are such a sight for sore eyes aren't we? the above photos were taken approximately 15 minutes ago and they are real depictions (not acting) of what life is like for my room mate (stephani) and I this week.

yes, it is a friday night in sonora and we are stuck at home. for two recovering socialistas who ruled the nightlife in our past lives, this is a harsh reality. why are we so downtrodden you ask yourselves?

we are poor. dirt poor. poorer than dirt actually.

we just emptied our wallets out on the floor and began to count our money in order to see if we could scrounge up enough change to buy some food at the convenience store. perhaps maybe a taco at the corner stand? are you ready for the grand total???? 36 pesos and a stick of gum. i.e. this will get you about as far as a sam's choice dr. thunder and a bag of dorritos.

so we will once again turn to making our peanut butter & jelly sandwiches and kiss dancing the night away goodbye.

i know what you're thinking. "so you can't go out this weekend, no big deal...you could always stay in and watch tv or a movie." yes, oh yes, we could do that...IF WE HAD A FLIPPIN' TV!!!!

i'm going to go ahead and make the assumption that we won't be leaving the house all weekend either, since we have no mode of transportation and we probably couldn't even afford to take the taxi around the block. did i mention that it's still a blazing 100+ degrees here, so walking even the shortest distance will make you sweat buckets?

and the worst part, i won't even be able talk to anyone on the phone about my pathetic little weekend, because oh wait, i don't have a phone. :(

okay, okay...i'll stop venting. thanks for always letting me take things out on you my friends. i'm convinced that being temporarily destitute is an unbelievably eye-opening experience and something that everybody should have to endure at one time in your life. i think this is what daddy was talking about when he was rambling on and on about "those character buildin' experiences shan - they make ya who you arrre." (sorry pops, but you do have a drawl.)

for now, steph and i will go back to drowning in our hagen daas-induced misery and watch hours of youtube videos. (my favorite of the night so far? the saved by the bell music video where the girls jump off of platforms and sing "put your mind to it, go for it, come on and break a sweat! rock and roll! you ain't seen nothin' yet! ---- you know, jesse's caffeine pills incident!)

*i keep telling myself that someday this will be hilariously funny. someday, but not today.

inspired to say the least

never in my life did i think i'd want to be a teacher. not even once. my mamma was a teacher, and though she loved it, i just knew it wasn't the career for me. for one thing, it didn't pay nearly enough for the "lifestyle that I would presumptuously lead", for another, i was going to do something truly great, truly fascinating...not spend my time in a classroom with sweaty twelve-year-olds.

as i have realized over the years, i have been wrong about many things...and i think that this is one of them. though my career in education has lasted a mere six weeks, i have had so many experiences that have led me to believe that this is one of the greatest professions that exist.

as a teacher, you get to explore the creative depths of your brain as you indulge in planning lessons that will keep your students actively engaged. you get to teach another individual a valuable skill that he or she will actually utilize in everyday life! you get to witness that moment - that beautiful moment - when things finally click in their brains! when all of your efforts have been expended and all hope is lost...and suddenly there is that aha! moment when your student understands. but best of all, you get to build and cultivate a relationship, which is my favorite part of teaching.

the photo above was taken last week with my beginner 1A class. they speak very little english, but bless their hearts, they try so hard!!! at our language school, cycles run in patterns of 4 weeks in one level and then, a student either accelerates to the next level or stays at their current one. this changing of course means that you will inevitably change teachers as well. well, this particular class got together outside of class and surprised me on our last day together with a huge party! they brought a tres leches cake, tamales, chips, balloons, music - everything - and as they all hid in the dark, i walked into the classroom to hear, "SURPRISE! THANK YOU MISS SOFI!!! (in case you didn't know: here, my name is sofia...but i'll explain that in another post...) i said, "why did you all do this for me?" And they responded in their broken english, "because miss sofi, you're the best teacher we've ever had and we wanted to let you know." awwwww, cue the tears. "how can you ever, ever be a part of something that makes you feel like that?", i ask myself.

no, you will never make money being a teacher. you will never drive a nice car. you will never be invited to fancy parties, walk red carpets, or rub shoulders with the a-list. you won't vacation in the hamptons and you certainly won't wear louboutins. you'll want to give up, you'll be exhausted, and your patience will be tested at every opportunity. but you know what you will have...you'll have a purpose, a mission, a reason to go to work. your job will have a face, a name, and a personality. and on a daily basis, your efforts will be rewarded and your heart will be warmed.

finding a hairstylist in mexico: mission impossible.

so, i had my reservations about getting my hair done in mexico, but after much contemplation and analysis, i decided to step out on a limb this past week and go for it! what did i have to lose??? i did a lot of thorough investigative research surveying all of the local women i knew who had beautiful locks and i spent weeks inquiring about the best salons in the area...and after much thought, i decided to go with the most exclusive, priciest salon in all of hermosillo (because i thought, surely...surely, they won't screw it up...)

BIG MISTAKE.

there are some events in life (such as achieving that perfect shade of honey, wheat field blonde) that the language barrier just can't overcome my friend. i have never in my life cried after getting my hair done (okay, well maybe that time that i went to get an updo for the sweetheart banquet of 2000 and i came out looking like tammy faye baker at a quincenera...) but this was a dye job gone awry and yes, it made me cry. seriously, on what planet is it okay to dye someone's hair dark brown and put chunky white hi-lights in it because you said you wanted "algo natural"?????????

don't worry...i'm getting it fixed. if by "fixed" you mean having my room mates try to pull the color out "diy" a la a home hairkit. as i have learned over the last two months, there are some things they just do better in texas and this is most definitely one of them.

cutest little girl i've ever seen...

this is little miss emmalee crow. precious isn't she? i want my little girl to be like her someday...
i usually don't like making comments like that, but look at her!

if you consider yourself a christian, please read this.

NOTE: this is unlike any other post i have ever made before, so you'll have to bear with me. i tend to stay away from making this blog a religious diatribe, because that's just not who i am. i'm not a preacher. i'm not "in the ministry." i don't have a theology degree. i mess up repeatedly on a daily basis. and yes, i'm a little rough-around-the-edges. but what i'm about to write about is of utmost importance to me, so i really can't ignore it.

for those of you who have been keeping up with me through this blog or by other means, (primarily the internet - i LOVE your messages - keep them coming!) you know that I have been placed in a very unique situation down here in mexico. i have been tested in every way imaginable, but specifically, spiritually. currently, i live in an environment with a buddhist, several atheists, agnostics, mormons, and people who are just generally seeking anything to make themselves feel better. religious discussions happen almost everyday and i am finding that i, as a christian, stand alone.

there is another christian here; however, he feels the need to scream at our coworkers and tell them that they have no soul and that they are going to rot in hell. though this is hardly tolerable behavior, the worst part is that he is an avid user of drugs and has a sexual appetite for anything that moves...so do you see what i'm getting at? a little case of the pot calling the kettle black as we like to say back in west texas.

i have been having many conversations into the wee hours of the morning with all of my house mates and this is the general consensus that i'm getting. at one time or another, they were all open to christianity, but because of two-faced, judgmental, condescending, hateful christians, they turned their back on the faith altogether. a few of them have shared their stories with me and they have caused my heart to break. these people have experienced everything from the church telling them that they could no longer attend services due to their assumed sexual orientation, leaders of the church "kicking out" their family because a mother chose to divorce her husband after taking years of physical abuse, sexual abuse from the pastor, pure hatred and antagonization from "christian" classmates at school just because they were different, and more. would you ever want to be affiliated with an institution when you had experienced these things? i wouldn't.

not only have all of these heinous things transpired in their lives IN THE CONFINES OF THE CHURCH, but they have never even witnessed an actual individual who put his or her faith into practice. not one. they say to me, "shannan, why would i want to be a christian when you are all no different than anybody else?"

if you know my history, you know that i have been going to church 3+ times a week since the day i was born - in the bible belt no less. i then chose to go to baylor university for college - don't even get me started about that. every time i turned a corner, i could attend a prayer meeting, go to a shane&shane concert, see a jesus is my homeboy t-shirt, have scripture recited to me, gather at common grounds to discuss theology, go to church camp at pine cove or ozark, join a bible study, save the children in darfur, go to the movies or have dinner with my christian life group. i want to make this point, there is nothing wrong with any of that, but let me assure you this: THAT IS NOT REAL LIFE. and if it is your life, you really need think about getting out of your incubator.

let me make it clear. i did not ask to be placed into this situation. i didn't sign up to go be a foreign missionary, i simply accepted a job. HOWEVER, i must be here for a reason. i have a real opportunity here...a chance to prove that authenticity and christianity can coexist. and i'm terrified. the legitimacy of christianity to these people might depend on how i act and what i say? how i live my life? how i react? how i treat others?

i have no idea what i'm getting myself into, but i am going to try from the depths of my heart to love these people. i mean, to really love them. despite their pasts, despite the decisions they have made, despite their current beliefs - i am just going to love them. i think one of the flaws with modern day evangelism is that the first objective is conversion. but i think to myself, how can you "save" someone without showing them compassion and displaying a genuine interest in their lives first?

if any of this has at all struck a chord with you, i need you to do two things. first of all, please pray that God gives me the strength, determination and foresight to be the right kind of christian to all of my friends here. pray that he gives me patience and willpower to keep on this task. pray for my friends here and that they have a desire to know more. second of all, if you consider yourself a christian, PLEASE, I BEG OF YOU - LIVE YOUR FAITH. STRAY FROM JUDGING PEOPLE. BE REAL. you have no idea how much this world needs that.

as always, i thank you from the bottom of my heart for your support and prayers. in the darkest times, you have been my sustainability.

the virtues of an american woman

am i the only person who has ever misunderstood the attraction between antonio banderas and melanie griffith? i mean, here we have this devastatingly handsome, tempting zoro of a spanish man and he pledges his undying love to a total lunatic for 12 years? (sorry if you're a fan of mel, but she's on some crazzzzzy pills - not to mention her affinity for going under the knife.) in my own humble opinion, i always thought he could do much better.

well...today marks 23 days since i have been in mexico and if i have learned nothing else, i have learned that latin men are FREAKISHLY obsessed with blonde american women, and bonus points are awarded if you have blue or green eyes. yes, i fit that profile currently and i have witnessed everything from a construction crew acting like wild banshees as i stroll by to a full head-on collision caused by my other blonde friend (stephani) and i walking through an intersection. i knew i'd stand out here, but i didn't realize to what extent. it's like these men have never seen a gringa in person in their entire lives!!!! i have been told by many of my students that it is considered a huge status symbol in mexico if you are able to land an american chick (rubia of course) as your wife.

so if i don't happen to make it back to the states, rest assured that i have married into one of the mexican mafia families and i am being lavished and pampered with the finest of furs and homes in puerta vallarta, mexico city, and cozumel. along with driving that candy-apple red jag i always dreamed of...(you're supposed to laugh here.)

remember learning in your 8th grade history class about how cortes was able to take down the entire aztec empire because they believed he was god due to his lighter features? yeah, never understood how that could have possibly transpired, but after being treating like a golden goddess myself (ha), i can grasp this concept much better.

i won't go into much further detail (i know, i know...such scintillating material), but i just wanted to inform my audience of why the relationship between antonio and melanie works. simply stated, he sees past all of her transgressions because she has transfixed him with her american woman spell.

how dare you!

don't want to take up too much of your time, but i'd like to state the obvious just so we can clear something up. it would be in your best interest if you would refrain from insulting or speaking ill of george harvey strait in my presence.

last night, i let a few of the teachers borrow my laptop and they decided to peruse my itunes collection. i don't mind letting people look through my stuff, but i always feel a tinge of vulnerability when people want to investigate my "top 25 most played songs." i mean, these 25 songs are so telling about an individual, almost like a window into your soul. well, my colleagues found it highly amusing and in bad taste that a large percentage of my top 25 was taken up by mr. strait. the eye rolling and under-the-breath comments got even worse when they discovered that i have every last one of george's music videos downloaded as well. one teacher even made the comment, "i just don't believe how women find him remotely attractive...he's just so...so...cheesy."

at this point, i'm fuming. what can i say boys, 56 number one hits don't lie. neither does being second only to elvis and the beatles in record sales. this man is a living legend.

don't even know where to start with this one...

yes, i have been blog-absent for quite sometime now, but i swear to you, it is within good reason. first of all, as all of you recent college grads can well attest to, once you start working, sleep becomes increasingly more appealing than spending time blogging into the wee hours of the morning. (i ought to know, i have to be at work at 7 a.m.! me! 7 a.m.! --- i know there are some of you reading this right now who are shaking your heads and laughing uncontrollably) secondly, as i might have mentioned to you, since i am dirt poor and have no money to speak of, i pirate my internet connection off of my neighbors - the gonzalez family.

hard to believe this, but i have now been in mexico for 11 days. i'd be lying to you all if i said that the last 11 days has not been the most difficult, challenging, doubtful, ________ (feel free to fill in the blank with any other pejorative word) days of my life. to begin with, i had the most hellacious travel experience in the history of mankind; here's a little sampling: left the states way earlier than ever intended, thus had no time to pack nor say goodbye (perhaps this was for the best? we all know how i am at goodbyes), left my wallet at our house in shallowater, which had my id, which i needed to board the flight that left in 20 min., missed two flights only to end up in phoenix, arizona at 12:24 a.m. only to learn that my luggage was still in dallas. i spent the "night" (four hours) at a comfort suites in phoenix only to wake up at 4:30 a.m. in order to catch a bus to nogalez, arizona. for those of you who have never been to nogalez, please take my advice and don't bother stopping off at this border town, it would be in your best interest. it was the first time of many that i thought i might perish on my little journey in mexico. once in nogalez, i spent an entire day at the mexican consulate's office trying to obtain my mexican visa, but for some reason they thought all of my documents were fake...thank you go english. i finally got the visa (i have to say it's a pretty cool looking document) and boarded a bus to hermosillo, sonora, mexico. everything that anyone has ever told you about riding the bus in mexico...well, it's all true. i won't take the time to explain my big "welcome" to the company, but let's just say it was pretty negative. (keep in mind this is on day 4 of the commute and still i only have the clothes on my back.)

all of the events i described above added with some unfinished business back home caused me to have quite the meltdown. i would like to take the opportunity now to thank my dearest allison greer, jessica hartsell, crystal boyd, kent truett, bill sowder, and the ever-so-wise taylor harris for coming to the rescue and dealing with my neurotic state. someday i hope to return the favor.

rest assured, things have gotten much better. although i often feel like i am in the peace corp. and living in what i like to call my bohemian bungalow, i know this was the right decision for me at this time in my life. i absolutely love teaching and my students are what gets me through each day. i have no idea if i will make ESL my career, but there is nothing like seeing that proverbial lightbulb go off in their heads when they finally understand something. it has been such a gift to share my life with them. i'm also learning a lot about people and diversity. you can take all of the sociology and anthropology classes that a university can offer, but i don't think anyone can understand the true meaning of that word until you have been thrust into the situation i have been placed in. as my own mother can tell you, it was a youthful wish of mine to be chosen as a cast member of the real world for many years and like most things in life, you should probably be careful what you wish for - because yes, i now star in real world: mexico! where seven strangers... picked to live in a house...work together and have their lives taped... to find out what happens... when people stop being polite... and start getting real...

of course we have all of the token characters: black gay buddhist man, cool avante garde chick who had a child at 19 and prefers to watch foreign films, rather handsome looking young man who prefers to distance himself from everybody because of a girlfriend back home, wild-as-hell boy from tennessee who loves to drawl and drone on and on about how if you're not living for the lord you're going straight to hell (yet he loves to smoke cigs and sleep with mexican senoritas), etc. where does shannan fit into the equation? you guessed it, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed little girl from the south who is still not jaded from the "ways of the world." who did the casting for this show? it couldn't have been more cinematic.

since all 15 of us work together, live together, and socialize together, you can be sure that the tempers flair. on a daily basis, i deal with conversations on religion (is there really a pre-disposed gene found in people to love jesus?), race (man, you don't know what it's like to be me...you don't know what it's like to grow up in the ghetto of atlanta!), money (oh shannan, you're just a spoiled little country club brat...) and the ever-growing sexual tension in the house (did you guys see x and y last night! omg, they couldn't keep their hands off of each other...let's take a poll to see how long it will take them to hook up...)

some days are worse than others. i'll be doing perfectly fine laying on the beach or strolling through the neighborhood and loving the fact that i'm in another country -- and then all of a sudden, the homesickness hits. it comes like a wave and is triggered by the smallest of things. a reminder of an old memory from college, a song that comes up on shuffle from the ipod, when i check to see which texas country artists are on tour and realize that this is the first time in close to 10 years that i won't be going to see any of them live in concert.

to reiterate, i need to be here right now. i have to do this for myself. i have to know that this was something i could do, not something that i always talked about doing. unlike some people, i can't reconcile not chasing a dream or ambition. i need to be here to experience personal growth, to become a stronger person. to gain wisdom...resilience...tenacity...follow through. i need to ask myself, what can i learn from this experience? why did God put this desire in my heart to be here? but more than anything to do with ME, this company needed a breath of fresh air. the morale was very low when i arrived and if i can somehow be apart of maximizing optimism and motivation here, this journey of mine was not in vain.

as always, i miss you all so much and i think about each of you every day. please continue to keep me in your thoughts and prayers.

just a tad bit intimidating i realize.

so i thought i would share with you daddy's new military photo from gitmo that he just sent me in the mail. immensely proud of you pops, but the lyrics to "cleaning this gun" can't seem to evade me. thanks for being such a badass.

the long-awaited, much-anticipated post.

alright, first of all, i must apologize for the title of this post because after typing it and re-reading it, i'm thinking, "shannan d'aun, how self-important are you that you think people are DYING to read about your life???" so yes, i apologize. second of all, warning: if you intend on reading this post in its entirety, you might want to go grab a cold one and make yourself nice and comfortable on your porch swing, because folks, it's going to be a long one.

i realize that some of you already know what's going on, but a lot of you think i'm still roaming around texas sleeping on couches and free-loading my life away.

rest assured: that baylor education is going to be utilized very soon; because that's right, i'm moving south of the border to monterrey, mexico!!!!!



i can see the wheels turning in your head. why would a girl accustomed to modern conveniences give up her car, her fantastic oh-so-amazing bed, her addiction to sonic, and the allure of a salary so that she could live in a third world country? the truth is, i'm ecstatic.

i've waited a long time to write this post because i wanted to make sure that everything was official, but i also had a hard time writing about it because i wasn't sure if i could actually go through with it. to enlighten you on my dilemma, i must take you back to a breezy afternoon, back in early april of this year. if you've been keeping up with my melodrama of a blog, you know that i really struggled this last semester of college to "find myself." everyone around me just seemed so sure of everything and for the very first time in my life, i was at a loss. the shannan sowder that i knew inside my head always had a plan, always had the next step of life ready and waiting in the wings, but not this time. for the first time in all of my 22 years, i was granted freedom - intoxicating, liberating, terrifying freedom. but because of the constant comparisons with my counterparts at baylor, i began to grow nauseatingly anxious that i didn't have my "ducks in a row yet." so i knelt to the pressure and began applying to every entry-level job from here to savannah, georgia just so that i could have something to tell everybody when they asked the inevitable question.

back to that day in april. as fate would have it, that day i walked past professor maxey parrish's door and noticed that he was busy typing away at his computer. i decided not to interrupt the man because i know how busy he is, plus i didn't want to intervene if he was in the middle of writing the next great american novel (because he will someday). he saw me slyly avoid his office and half-shouted, "shannan sowder, you get in here right now and update me on what you're doing with that life of yours!" oh no, not the question again. "well sir, i've been applying to a slew of jobs all over and i've landed five at this point, but it just doesn't feel right. something's off." to which he responded, "well of course something's off. that's not what you were intended to do. it's not your passion. tell me shannan, what would you do if you could do absolutely anything?" i said, "well maxey, you know if i could do anything, i'd see the world and then i'd write about it. but you know i can't do that. that's absolutely absurd. i'm just a little girl from shallowater, texas." maxey then let out a big sigh and chuckled to himself, "you know miss sowder, i'm disappointed in you. you used to be fearless. out of anybody i've taught, i figured you could handle this." so i walked out of his office that day stark-raving mad. but i also walked out of his office that day challenged and feeling hungry for something, a feeling i hadn't experienced for such a long time. you see, that 10 minute conversation, well to be honest - it was life altering. i walked out of castellaw that day a changed woman and maxey parrish, i blame you for all of it. okay not really. the truth is, you helped me realize that i was never lost. i knew what i wanted all along, but i simply wouldn't give myself the permission to do it.

that night i went the library and spent the next six hours researching jobs abroad. of course i wanted to do the hemingway thing and just write all of my thoughts down while sitting around some adorable little cafe amid a breathtaking landscape; but newsflash: i have no funds! i found listings for bartenders (hey i always thought i might be good at that), ship mates, baristas, au pairs, travel guides, and a lot of other unmentionable things; but the thing that really stood out to me was teaching. i've never aspired to be a teacher in any way shape or form, but it was the one job where i felt that i could actually make a difference. though i desperately wanted to return to europe, i soon learned that the red tape involved in getting a work visa and an international teaching certificate was just too lengthy. about five days into my research, i found a lead on a company called educaz based in monterrey and hermosillo, mexico. after reading the job description, visiting the company website, and talking to some of the employed teachers, i thought this could be a fit. after filling out a mountain of paperwork and going through a pretty intensive interview process, i finally got the job!!!!

i just think this is going to be so freaking cool. i'll be working in the business district of monterrey as a language consultant teaching conversational english to mexican business associates. i'm told that i will have some high school students as well, but for the most part, the program is aimed at working professionals who would like to expand their language skills so that they can compete in the international business market. though my job is obviously my top priority and the reason that i'm going to mexico, i'm also going for personal reasons. a) i've been trying to master the spanish language for the last two years and while i'm pretty conversational, i haven't achieved fluency yet. this venture should allow me to do that. b) because i know absolutely no one involved in this program nor anyone from monterrey, i'm going to have a lot of time on my hands to do some soul searching. i'm looking forward to doing a tremendous amount of writing and also exploring/strengthening my relationship with God. (let's face it, I'm going to have to depend on Him A LOT.)

though i can't wait for my big adventure to begin, i realize that everything will not be a bed of roses. what if i'm terrible at my job and they're forced to fire me? what if i get kidnapped in a dark alley never to see the light of day again? what if no one likes me? what if i'm miserable and lonely? that is the question that haunts me the most. i'm going to miss the people in my life desperately.

my family is my everything. you have made so many emotional, financial, and physical sacrifices so that you could make me happy. i know it's not easy for you to let me go, but you know that by letting me go, you are actually loving me the best way that you can. your endless support and prayers mean the world to me. how can i express my thanks to you for giving me both roots AND wings? i simply can't do it justice.

my friends, you are my rock. you are my cheerleaders, my sounding board, my wingwomen, my laughter. you are what keeps me sane and young. we know each other inside out and we have truly seen the good, the bad, and the ugly. thank you for loving me despite all of my flaws. i'm so, so, so proud of each and every one of you. how did i get so lucky to have such incredible people as friends? this summer especially, several of you have showed me that you would bend over backward to be there for me. someday, i hope that i can return the favor.

to one person in particular (you know who you are), i will miss you more than you will ever know or more than i care to admit. you have shown me that yes, those good 'ol texas boys really do exist and yes, there are people out there who know more about country music than me. thank you for teaching me about patience, but more than that, thank you for proving to me that i could have faith in someone again. thank you for letting me go chase my dreams and please know that i will always be supportive of yours.

now that i've managed to write the liner notes to my greatest hits album, i'm going to wind this thing down. i just wanted to catch everyone up on what's going on because i know at my attempt to be somewhat mysterious, i can be quite evasive (curse of the scorpio.) anyway, just know that i have no idea what the hell i'm doing and i love that. if any of you get the itch to come down to old mexico, please call me and we'll explore this territory together! i love you all. very much.